Borowitz Report - Bitter Americans

Poll: Majority of Americans Bitter, Clingy
Numbers Could Help Obama

With less than a week to go before the Pennsylvania primary, a new poll released today hints that Sen. Barack Obama’s controversial remarks in which he called Pennsylvania voters “bitter” may actually be helping him with a key constituency: bitter voters.According to a new poll released today by Newsweek, 54 percent of likely voters in Pennsylvania describe themselves either as “bitter,” “sometimes bitter” or “bitter most of the time.”Drilling down beneath those numbers, the results of the poll get even better for Obama, especially when the respondents answered the question, “When you are bitter, what do you cling to?”According to the poll, 35 percent said they clung to “religion,” 34 percent said they clung to “guns,” while 28 percent said they clung to “antipathy towards people who are different from me.”In a sign that voters who describe themselves as bitter are ready to mobilize in support of Sen. Obama’s presidential bid, over a million bitter voters took to the streets of Philadelphia today in support of the Illinois senator.The demonstration, which organizers were calling The Bitter Man March, suggests that bitter voters had found something new to cling to.According to Tracy Klujian, 35, a bitter florist from suburban Philadelphia, “When I’m not too busy clinging to guns or religion, I’m going to cling to Barack Obama.”Elsewhere, in a new effort to relate to voters, Sen. Hillary Clinton did five Jell-o shots at a bar in Pittsburgh.